Key Takeaways: Leaders are not neutral parties in conflict. In fact, they bring their own energy into the room. Stepping into a disagreement means either adding a third CORE® energy…
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Key Takeaways:
- Leaders are not neutral parties in conflict. In fact, they bring their own energy into the room. Stepping into a disagreement means either adding a third CORE® energy to the mix or amplifying one side of it, which is why many “resolved” conflicts resurface a few months later.
- Your CORE® energy shapes when you intervene, not just how. Builders and Merchants tend to jump in too early and disempower people from working it out themselves; Innovators and Bankers tend to wait too long and inherit a much bigger problem.
- Self-awareness is what separates a settled conflict from a solved one. People are used to working around their leader’s energy, so the real diagnostic questions are about how you’re showing up, not about who was right.
The age-old advice for handling conflict is to “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” Not bad, as far as clichés go. But I’d suggest that the person who first said it may be putting the cart before the horse.
As a leader, conflict resolution is part and parcel of the job. But too often, leaders see themselves as neutral parties, stepping in to resolve the conflict while never contributing to it. The truth is, however, that leaders have their own personalities and energy. When you step into a conflict, you bring all that with it.
I’ll give a personal example. According to our CORE® Assessment, I’m a Builder. My energy is directed toward achieving and accomplishing, whether for myself or my team. Which is great, but if I step into a situation that is less about getting an answer and more about giving someone space to process, that same energy can exacerbate the conflict.
In my eagerness to push things toward resolution, I can prevent those people from processing and thinking through things. More often than not, the issue doesn’t actually get dealt with. People just tamp down their feelings to satisfy my “Builder” energy, and the problem resurfaces in a few months.
So, while it’s important to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, it’s important first (borrowing another cliché) “to know thyself.” That way, you can channel your energy in a way that leads to actual resolution.
How the Four CORE® Energies Deal with Conflict
First, let’s look at how each of the four CORE® energies approach conflict. This will be helpful context for the conversation that follows:
| Builder | Builders approach conflict head-on and aren’t afraid of it. Conflict often triggers feelings of powerlessness, to which they can respond through intimidation. At their best, however, Builders often are most well-equipped to practice the self-control needed to break the cycle of escalation. |
|---|---|
| Merchant | Merchants will engage, though not as readily as Builders. Conflict often triggers the feeling of being unloved or unfairly seen, to which they can respond through manipulation. At their best, however, Merchants bring a genuine investment in preserving the relationship itself, keeping the conversation aimed at reconciliation rather than victory. |
| Innovator | Innovators engage reluctantly, preferring to assess before they act. Conflict often triggers a feeling of incompetence, to which they can respond by using their command of the facts to back the other person into a corner. At their best, however, Innovators are able to stay empathetic and curious regardless of how the other person is behaving. |
| Banker | Bankers are the most conflict-averse of the four energies. Conflict often triggers the sense that their knowledge is being disregarded, to which they can respond by going quiet and withdrawing into judgment. At their best, however, Bankers bring the facts and the fairness the situation requires. |
How Your Energy Determines the Timing of Conflict Resolution
Any experienced leader will tell you that conflict resolution is time-sensitive. Step in too soon, and you end up disempowering people from resolving things on their own, or you end up escalating matters that would’ve fixed themselves. But step in too late, and you’re dealing with a massive problem affecting whole teams and departments that, months ago, could’ve been solved with minimal headache.
As a leader, your CORE® energy has a lot more to do with when you pursue conflict than you may think. The four energies (Builder, Merchant, Innovator, and Banker) all sit on a spectrum of conflict-seeking vs. Avoidance. Builders tend to jump in too quickly, while Bankers tend to wait too late.
Knowing your CORE® energy can help you identify which trap you’re more likely to fall into, so you can adjust your approach accordingly. Builders and Merchants should recognize that urge to step in and “fix” things and realize that, in some cases, it’s better to wait it out. Innovators and Bankers often need to suppress that urge to “wait and see” and address the conflict before it careens out of control.
Why a Lack of Self-Awareness Can Forestall True Conflict Resolution
When I teach the CORE® to organizations, one of the things I say right off the bat is that the four energies are fundamentally in conflict with each other. When you have people who are butting heads in your company, I would be willing to bet that those people have different CORE® energies. If you, as the leader, step in, you’re either introducing a third CORE® energy into the mix (which further complicates things) or you’re matching one of the other two energies (which ends up further energizing one side of the conflict).
It’s important to remember that, as leaders, the people we lead are often not the best barometers for the impact our energy is having on the situation. People are used to working around us, accommodating our energies and quirks to avoid getting in trouble with the boss.
When you enter a situation, it’s always important to recognize that people are likely to accommodate you. At least in the short term, that is. Once things “settle,” odds are, the conflict will start back up again. Here are a few examples:
- A Builder walks into a stalled disagreement, makes a decision, and watches everyone nod and move on. Not because the issue is resolved, but because nobody wants to be the one still arguing after the boss has made a decision.
- A Merchant steps in and reframes the conflict around the bigger vision and how much they value both people, and everyone leaves the room feeling good; until the actual disagreement, which was never actually solved, resurfaces the following week.
- An Innovator asks enough careful questions to arrive at the most defensible answer in the room, and the two people in conflict stop arguing because they feel cornered and frustrated.
- A Banker pulls the documentation and establishes what actually happened, and the conflict goes quiet while the resentment underneath them goes unaddressed and unspoken.
Obviously, this doesn’t mean you need to stay out of every situation. But it does mean a certain amount of self-awareness can help you avoid people working around your energy. Builders should notice when people feel intimidated; Innovators should notice when people feel cornered, and so forth.
How to Approach a Situation When Your Energy May Be the Problem
I often tell people that you can’t change how you operate until you know how you operate. When we’re working alone, it doesn’t necessarily matter. When I’m in my flow state as a Builder, I’m rocking and rolling and getting things done and, at the end of the day, that’s what matters. But when you’re part of a team and those energies come into conflict, knowing your own energy can help you uncover:
- Am I the source of this conflict?
- Is the way I’m showing up contributing to the other person’s frustration or hindering their ability to work through the conflict?
- If I’m mediating a conflict, is my energy introducing a third problem to the equation?
- Could the problem be solved faster and more permanently if I had handled my own energy differently?
Note that none of these questions have to do with the actual issue at hand. As a leader responsible for executing your business strategy and hitting your KPIs, your answer to the conflict is, nine times out of ten, the authoritative one. But these questions help you diagnose how you approach the situation and implement your solution.
At the end of the day, life is a series of choices. If you can make your leadership choices from a place of self-awareness, you’ll be in a stronger position to lead, mentor, and grow your team. This is a boon to any organization, no matter your size, industry, or structure.
Want to hire and manage employees with greater awareness of their core energies and how they fit with your own? Get in touch and I’ll set up a CORE® Assessment for you.
